And I felt so dang ungrateful. Even though I felt so fortunate to have what I had, it was like I couldn’t see past myself to really feel grateful for it all.
I absolutely loved my students, but I hated that I couldn’t support them the way they needed support. I felt bound by an antiquated and bureaucratic system that kept certain kids in bad places and, on top of it, I internalized and owned their trauma. I spent most of my drives home from school in tears (and sometimes screaming) to let it all out before I got home to my girls - you know, to leave the baggage at the door. It worked - most of the time - but it often felt like I was leaving one miserable place to arrive at a different miserable place; I carried my misery with me everywhere.
Even writing about this now, I feel ungrateful and lame. But let me tell you what happened, and how I went from being a miserable teacher to a woman living in excellence.
The truth is I was always a woman living in excellence. It’s just that my vision was clouded and I was disconnected from myself - my true self.
In my meditation, I saw myself on a horse, a black and white palomino, and I was riding bareback. We were galloping over a low and barren hillside until we reached a flat area. We came to a standstill and found ourselves inside a box without a top. The walls were so tall that although we could sense where we were, we could not see anything beyond these four walls. And the feeling of being inside a box, trapped inside the four walls, was intense and overwhelming, suffocating.
My horse reared on hind legs and neighed powerfully. He was sensing and reacting to my fear but his confidence and power were giving me courage and helped me see - helped me feel - possibility. Without him I would have given up, stuck forever behind the walls.
The power in his body, the strength in his refusal to accept this condition was lighting a spark in me, a fire that was growing until the two of us together became an undeniable and fierce force. We acted as one entity and together, rearing on hind legs once more, he neighed and I screamed and the walls fell backwards all at once, leaving us completely unboxed and free. We trotted away, liberated and unhinged, open to any and all possibilities.
There were so many messages that came through in that single meditation and it became a beacon for me anytime I felt lost.
It was freedom I sought.
And my time to go beyond the walls was NOW.
I was so grateful for the experience and the messages that came with it. I started seeing the freedom in everything around me. I started thinking about what it felt like to be free, to be liberated. And I sought out any kind of opportunity that would allow me to feel that.
I started to see my home as a sanctuary. I saw my commute as a release. I saw my weekends as regeneration. And most significantly, I saw my work as my purpose.
I saw the liberation in my calling.
The freedom I could experience - the freedom from past trauma, from the lifetime of lies I told myself, from relationships that kept me hidden or small, from owning other people’s traumas and taking them on as my own - ALL of this release was allowing me to shine my light, speak my language and be a magnet for possibility and opportunity.
I was watching the days of misery wither away and in its place was an outpouring of love and gratitude. And the more I practiced my gratitude, the more I had to be grateful for. THIS is exactly why, at the beginning of every single session with my clients, I ask them to share three things they are grateful for. What are we celebrating? And I am known for busting out some pom-poms so we can properly celebrate!
Because when we ground ourselves in gratitude, and we celebrate those things, it's like we are opening the floodgates to possibility. And in that state, whatever my client wants support around in that session, we can be open to offering and receiving that support in excellence. It’s like we just expanded and multiplied what is available to us in that moment.
(God, Spirit, Guides, Universe - how do I stop being so miserable?)
(Guidance is often shown to me in my meditations but this also happens in dreams if I ask for guidance before I go to sleep, or often in the prophetic animals that show up around me...)
(Practiced gratitude, saw the freedom in my situations and released what was not freeing, and shifted my thinking on my circumstances so they were empowering.)
It requires work though, and a commitment to practice. But it is so worth it! And if you are connecting to anything I am saying then I want to share with you that it is possible for YOU, too.